current mood: tired
currently listening to: 'something inside' off the august rush soundtrack
Currently watching: Dollhouse
currently drinking: Avalanche Amber Ale

My negative self

No one can beat myself up like I can. I am a champ, the best. There is no sense in anyone else even attempting to put me down because i can guarantee I can top them in the insults.

I've always been this way, not outwardly of course, just on the inside. I've gotten hurt a lot in life, people have come in, used me for what they needed then tossed me aside. And I am left to ask "why me?". I'm the good girl, I'm the innocent and I don't deserve this. Someone told me recently that i wear my hurt like a badge. I actually never thought about it like that, but you know...I do. I think because of all the crap I have been through in my life and I think because of that it's ok to act the way I do. It's ok to over analyze every situation and to make assumptions that in the end, whomever I am dealing with is lying to me and just is going to hurt me. Because that is what everyone else has done. I am constantly looking for the angle, looking for the lie. But the sick thing is? I only do this with people I care about. The SECOND I make myself vulnerable to you, tell you a certain secret or open myself up to care for you, thats when things get complicated. Because now I feel uncomfortable. I feel uneasy. I have revealed too much, I've opened myself up to the point that all I want to do is take it all back and run away. It's a sick game going on in my head and to be honest, I'm just as tired of it as everyone else is. I hate feeling insecure. I hate not feeling comfortable being myself.I want to simply know I care and being ok with that.

Being neurotic isn't cute, and it's isn't quirky.
Spilling coffee on myself constantly and tripping over my own shoe laces on a daily basis because they're too long, now that's quirky...and funny. Telling little stories about my day, my little adventures, the random things that happen to me, that's cute. Assuming someone is lying to me because they can't text me back within a certain period of time? That goes beyond...and now we're into my neurosis and let me tell YOU, that is a scary place to be.

My experiences should make me STRONGER, and I know in some ways they do. For the most part I don't really care what people think of me. Hell, half of the hospital that i work at thinks I'm a lesbian because one of my good friends there is gay. I think that sh*t is funny. But for the most part, I don't feel stronger. i feel weaker, less able to trust. Less comfortable with myself.


Is this posting random and at times unclear as to my point? Yes. But it makes sense to me in my little brain amongst my thoughts. But sometimes when you've been left to your thoughts all day, this is what you come up with. And I just had to get it out, regardless of how much it makes sense. You know? Well...hopefully you do:)

Too Much

Those two words have defined me for longer than I can remember. Even my mom on occasion will say to me "now alesha, you can be a little MUCH sometimes..." I never know how to take that. Should I be LESS? And if so, how do I go about that?

I care too much.
There is someone. Someone who may or may not read this blog and may or may not ever see these words. But there is someone that falls directly into this category. I care...too much. And the thing is, I can't help it. I can't stop caring even though my brain says he doesn't reciprocate those feelings and I know I am out there on my own, swinging in the wind. I want to stop. I hate the feeling of vulnerability. Of knowing that all I have to do is build that wall back up and everything will be okay but I unable to do so.

Another side effect of caring too much is I get hurt a lot. People see that deep down I am just a big softie, so they take advantage of that. They look me in the eyes and they lie to my face. Because they know that I will believe them. They know in my heart I want to think the best of them and I want them to be telling me the truth. And when the time comes for the truth to come out, they will walk away unhurt, unharmed..while I am bleeding and wounded. I wish I could stop caring sometimes. Because it's true what they say, the nice girl DOES finish last. I once told a friend of mine an analogy I made up for it. It kind of feels like taking a bullet. But for every bullet there is no exit wound. So I get hurt over and over and I just carry around more and more scars and shrapnel in my body. I have scars that you can't see, but they come out in the way i act in certain instances or in things that I say. I am the walking wounded. Do i think I am special in this? No. People get hurt all the time. this is just how I look at it for myself.

I say too much.
There is no filter, there is no voice that says 'alesha you moron if you say that you will scare people away". So I go ahead and say it anyway. I am way too honest. If you hurt my feelings trust me, I will let you know. I will go into detail as to how you hurt my feelings and there is no stopping me. If you try, I will only keep my thoughts and those words on reserve until the next time and I will unleash it on you then. I will never be someone to "bottle things up". If anything I am the cup that runneth over, so much it floods the floor.

I am TOO emotional.
Ok I know you can say that about *most* women for the most part. But my mood swings? Well they're like roller coasters. And sometimes they're the roller coasters that make you feel like you might need to vomit at the end. I will take you along for my ride and you will either jump off midway (which lets face it...is what most do) or try and ride it out until it starts coasting. I will scream and I will cry and I will really really want to punch you in the face but that is usually where I draw the line. I'm not violent...jeez.

So in the end, I have been dubbed "too much". I spill too much coffee on myself and in my car. I DRINK too much caffeine. I work too much, I get too angry behind the wheel of the car.

But i guess then, that just says a lot for the people that are willing to stick around. They see me for who I am and they still like me, WANT to be around me even. What a bunch of crazies:)

mess

I use the word "mess" a lot when i describe myself. Sometimes I am a beautiful mess. I am random and unfiltered and that can be refreshing to some people I suppose. Sometimes I am a mess at work, with coffee spilled down my shirt and my hair in a crazy ponytail because it was a frizzy mess in the morning and that was the only way I could tame it. Right now my apartment is a mess. I haven't had the time to clean it and it just keeps getting messier and messier, which is not like me at all. But I am going to take one weekend soon and clean it out. Steam the carpets and scrub it all down. Spring cleaning. But right now "mess" is what it is. This month is going to be a big one for me, lots of stuff going on and I hope to make it to April 1st with minimal damage:)One can hope right??

currents

Currently reading: Atonement
Currently listening to: The Weakness in Me by Joan Armatrading
Currently Watching: Secret Diary of a Call Girl Season 1
Current Mood: Snotty

time off

I only get 4 days off a month so I like to do as little as possible during these days. I've compiled a list of my favorite things to do on my precious off time:

1- i like to drive 20min away to this indie coffee shop, and eat my chewy brownie while I wait way too long for my coffee (while I do hate Starbucks, at least u can say they are efficient). I should really bring a book next time I go, catch up on my reading while I wait.

2- sleep in. Nuf said

3- play with my cat Aggie. He loves it when I am home because he gets lots of attention. He gravitates towards me and it becomes impossible for me to sit for longer than 10seconds without him climbing into my lap

4- drink lots of coffee. duh.

5- wear my comfy clothes, and while i DO shower, I usually don't dry my hair, just pull it up in a bun and call it a day

6- read, see if I can finish a book by sunday night

7- have a lazy Saturday morning breakfast with my friend

8- eat Chipotle

9- plan out my week. for some reason, planning makes me happy. Is that weird?

10- sunday night beer and wings with my friend Amanda. We both work so much and live so far away from each other , every other sunday is all we can do. but we make up for lost time.

11- eat too much. hey a little indulgence never hurt anyone...right???


Things I HATE to do on my off time and AVOID at all costs:

1- cleaning

2- laundry

3- shower. listen, just because i do it, doesn't mean I want to.




And while my off time is few and far between, at least you can say I take full advantage of it while I have it. By doing as little as humanly possible.

Current Mood: sick and snotty
Currently Listening to: Day and Night by Kid Cuti
Currently reading: Tales from the Scale by Erin Shea

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

I'm sick. Like 'wiping the snot on my sleeve because my nose is running too fast for me to grab a tissue' kind of sick. I spent most of my day doped up on cold medicine. Did you know that if you mix Day Quil with lots of caffeine it makes you feel high? Like unable to focus, everyone is lovely, I am happy and euphoric kind of high...it was pretty sweet. Made work more interesting.

I only have myself to blame you see for this sickness. Because i can trace it back to the person I got it from. Yea I KNOW I work in a hospital where everyone there is sick so it would be logical to say i got it there. But no. Last saturday I am having coffee with a friend of mine, he tells me how sick he is and how he only seems to be getting worse. And it's not that I wasn't paying attention, I just wasn't paying CLOSE attention and I kind of have this thing where I like to see how people take their coffee, so I drank his. Thinking, 'oh I won't get sick...I take a multivitamin!' like a multivitamin is going to save me or something. It did not and here I am. Sick as a dog.

I have to run tomorrow. I am going to bed early, as in going to sleep in like 15min. My Nyquil has kicked in so off I go. G'night all. More manana.

morning

regardless of how much sleep one gets, waking up at 5am is always a bitch. I contemplate calling off work some mornings. But I'm not sure how many times I can feel "sick" or my car can break down:)